I saw something today that made me cry. A daffodil. You see, I planted these bulbs a few seasons ago, and as this winter slowly turns to spring, the bulbs started to sprout. I've been watching it grow for a few weeks now. I couldn't wait for it to finally bloom, mostly because I forgot what kind of bulbs they were. And then today... there it was. A perfect mini daffodil. Yellow and glowing in the sun. I don't love daffodils. They have never struck me as special or beautiful, but today I saw it. I saw its beauty, and it made me cry like a big girl.
My friend Megan Barrett is in a coma, and dying. She is 35 years old. She is 6ft tall and looks like a young Brook Shields. She is a beautiful person inside and out. She is brave, courageous, adventurous, kind, loving, giving, goal oriented, accomplished... I could fill this page. I met her just after she graduated from college and moved here from Maine. I was the first person she met in Charlotte and we became instant friends. I met her at Olive Garden where I was waiting tables. She was sitting at my table with her mom and dad. They were here helping her move into her new apartment. I asked them where they were from, and just like that we became friends. She needed a job. I begged my boss to hire her. He did. she left full, with a job, my phone number, and a new friend. We worked together for a few years, hung out, celebrated birthdays, and cried together about boys. She went home to Maine one day after her mom was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer. Her roommate packed her things up for her, rented a uhaul and moved her things back to Maine for her. She left me as quickly as she came into my life. Her mom sadly died 3 weeks after her diagnosis. Meg then moved to Lansing MI to be near her sister, her husband and their children. Meg loves her nephews so much. She went through a few jobs until she found just the right fit and landed a job she loved. She bought a house, adopted a dog, and found love in a man named Josh. Megs did everything right. She took the right steps, checked everything off the list of things we're supposed to do . She was the girlfriend you could go out with and have so much fun, but she never took it too far and lost control. You never had to reel her in. She did everything right. She had been plagued with migraines since I had met her. On February 17th she had a migraine. It turned into a massive venous hemorrhagic stroke. February 19th she had emergency brain surgery ..a few times. She never woke up. Her family decided with only a 10 to 15% chance of waking up, and if she did, her life would be nothing like it was before, that it was time to move her to hospice on Feb. 29th I believe. Meg will die there. It may take weeks, but her body is already showing signs of shutting down. Megs is dying. I can't wrap my mind around it. Megs did everything right, she is a special kind of person that puts others first always. She worked for the American Cancer Society after loosing her mom to cancer and she raised so much money for finding a cure through Relay For Life. She is SO good. The world is full of horrible people walking around healthy and I'm waiting and watching Megan die. Its not okay. Its just not fair. I'm grieving and mourning.
I decided to take Roxy and my tortoise Jet outside to get some sunshine and fresh air. And then there it was. Shining brightly in a beam of sunlight, the sprout I had been watching became a mini daffodil overnight. Its winter, the end of winter, but still... its winter. Spring is around the corner and Meg will never see it. She made it through the cold harsh winter in Michigan but unlike that mini daffodil, she will never feel the warm sun on her skin again. That's why that stupid, beautiful daffodil made me cry. I'm an incurable optimist. I always find the good. I can't find it this time. I tell myself Meg will be reunited with her mom. She missed her mom terrible. "So that's good", I tell myself. I still feel like I'm lying to myself though. Its not good enough. I just can't find the good this time. I can't make peace with it. It's unacceptable. It's not okay.
Last night I found myself wanting, no, needing to be close to Megan and then I remembered her blog. She was such a great person but a not so good blogger. In 6 years she may have posted 15 entries. Last night I reread them all. Oldest to most recent. Pages filled with family trips, bridal showers, and so much love. She is so very loved by so many. I found no peace, but my heart began to heal in reading her words. She had struggled but got to where she was truly happy. Her life had just begun. Her first home, her dog Sandie, her year long relationship with Josh, it was all just beginning. Her words told me she truly loved her life. She knew what was really important in life. And she surrounded herself with love. I'm so glad she got a taste of some of the best things in life, I'm crushed she doesn't get more.
In Megs blog she began, and I'm paraphrasing, Who cares about my life? Who will read my blog? I care Megs. I'll read your blog, and you inspired me to start my own. Because ya never know, maybe someday someone will care about what my life was like, and maybe they'll read my blog. And maybe they will even start to heal. I will blame this blog on that stupid mini daffodil in winter.
